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| Seriously. There are times, where I look at myself objectively, and suddenly I feel like I don't really know myself sometimes. Very unnerving. It makes my mind shaky and my emotions unsettled. So let's swig some Pepto and be on our way, shall we?
Hearts and hammers,
Suzu
| | |
| I met him almost 2 years ago at a Jagermeister show, I was there with
my friend Jeremy. And for the first time in my life, I fell in love
with him instantly. I didn't know his name or who he was, but I wanted
to know. So I asked Jeremy about him, and apparently his band played
with this person's old band DFN. Later I saw him in the crowd we met
and said hi. Later I danced with him during the Crazy Anglos set to the
song of "Killing in the name of". Now the next year or so was a blur. I
mean a real blur. When we started dating it was shortly after a
sprained ankle, calling the wrong person by accident and just a series
of ridiculous events. I took a chance and cut ties with people I was
seeing at the time, because all I saw was him. It was ridiculous. Never
in my life had I ever felt this way. So weeks pass, Chris was on tour,
I was at home trying to work and go to school. Even though we were
miles apart, we always called each other, and were basically
inseparable. I worked with him here and there doing makeup and wardrobe
when he did come back. There was a time when he came back for awhile
and things felt like they were falling apart. I left my job, my car
died two weeks later, and a whole band was against me. I wanted out! I
wanted to leave so badly, but he would never let me. His parents have
been amazing to me and for that I'm grateful. He even helped me get a
job for awhile, and never asked for anything in return. But now, all
the little things that I thought mattered, don't anymore. The little
fights here and there, and petty things that were said, don't matter
anymore. All I ever wanted to do was to be with him. We had plans to
get married and live a happy life together. Now all that matters is
that he gets to live longer and happier.
Now I'm serving my
punishment. Though this story may not list all the great details, one
thing remains the same. I love him, and that's all I can do. All I can
do is love him from afar and pray that in our next life we can be
together and live happily as man and wife without consequences. So live
happy and long. And as I write more, I can ensure my memories will never be forgotten. I cannot be more grateful to you. You always have my love. | | |
| It's true, we aren't. You like I both live lives that are kind of lonely at times despite the constant company of others. Your wheels always seem to be turning about something despite your exterior otherwise. It's almost laughable ^_^ because people have no idea how much smarter you are then you appear to be. Though sometimes it's frustrating you damn busy body. You always want in into my world, but you still push others out of yours. It's very give or take now is it. Fucking busybody. I still love you. | | |
|
Current mood: sick.really.sick.
Current music: sniffles.and.hacking.up.phlegm
so.i'm.in.bed.
so i go to work today, feeling much worse than i did exactly a week
ago. only a few things have changed- my boss is not furious with me
when he lets me go home. in fact he strongly suggests that i go home.
this is cool. what is not cool is being woken up to my phone vibrating
and it's work calling. it's ok though, cause it shows that brian really
will call me when he needs me. thank god. i don't know what that man
would do sometimes. makes me worry about what would happen if i left.
*shudder*
i wish my brain would shut the fuck up when i'm sleeping. these dreams
are driving me absolutely insane. sometimes the dreams make me nervous,
they seem to indicate something in the future. that really makes me
nervous. most of the time, the dreams simply hold strange meanings,
glimpses of memories, feelings that i want to just move on from. i wake
up and i feel shaky. it bothers me.
i still think about jeff from time to time. if i said that i didn't,
i'd a lying son-of-a-bitch. truly. i wonder how he's doing now. i hope
he's well. i miss you talking to you dear friend. i wonder how
different you are now.
fall days are here. i see it with the lazy mountain of leaves on top of
my car. kind of looks like a great yellow slug sitting on my wretched
little paseo. alas. days have passed so quickly, where the hell have
the past few months have gone? i have no clue. funny how that happens.
me not having a clue. seems to happen a good bit. -_-;; oh well.
caitlin, i am so sorry i couldn't make it to your performance tonight.
i am so sick right now. sitting in silence has been the best thing
ever. zills would probably not be good for my hearing tonight, assuming
that i could have even driven. i will see the next one when i'm in
better health. i promise.
i have a test tomorrow in history. i have no clue what to study for. i
should probably jump on that bandwagon sometime tonight. riiiight. yep.
gonna go do that. | | |
| Current mood: happy.thoughtful
Current music: computer.humming
a quick update.
i think i'm having one of those days where i dread sunday because i know that monday is only hours away.
so first, i carved my first pumpkin!!!! woo hoo! it was sooo much fun. i'll put up a picture later. there is something satisfying about being elbows deep in pumpkin goo.... mMm brains. thanks jes.
yesterday was something crazy. my mom took me back to the apartment. and buddy, some shit hit the fan. first of all she has the nerve to storm into my room after i go in and close the door so that i can avoid, you know, the usual ridicule that my mom tends to spout out for no reason. so, she storms in looks around sees the pictures of the lascivous girls on my wall and proceeds to scream the following *mind you, she can't say in dulcet tones, because she's my mom and always sounds incredulous*-
"SUZANNE! ARE YOU LESBIAN!!! WHAT ARE ALL THESE PICTURES OF GIRLS ON YOUR WALLS!!!! I THINK YOU REALLY ARE LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!!"
and for the record, i'm not a lesbian. i'm a greedy bisexual, there's a differece. however, i didn't really feel like going into the logistics of it all. instead, i tell my mom that i am not a lesbian, and that it is incredibly rude to storm into someone's house and make rude accusations. not only that, if she does not have anything constructive to say then she should keep it to herself. period. i mean, this is my fucking house!!! i'm not going to put up with that shit. fuck that. she doesn't pay my rent. fuck that. so, in an asian rage that comes to no surprise to me, she storms out the way she came and quickly drives off. now, i did feel a little bit guilty for yelling at her. but damn, the woman came into my house, barged into my room and proceeds to insult me. seriously, you think i'm going to take that? not anymore i'm not. that's bullshit. *sigh* now if only she'd answer my phone calls that'd be nice. i'm a kind of worried about her.
continuation of last night...
i also went to my very first halloween party last night! what a night of firsts! originally, i was going to dress in indian garb (dot not feather) but then i found out that jes wasn't dressing up, so i decided to only half dress up. this just meant wearing a long skirt and shirt with some indian jewelry. it worked for me. what was funny was that when we finally got to greg and josh's house was that "josh" was josh stanthorpe!!! uh here's the funny part. josh and i know each other from kennesaw state! he belonged to delta tau delta and we would hang out at school all the time. so i was really excited to see him. and then we go to this house party, and i see MORE people i know from kennesaw state!!!! including paul, who was in my chinese class. happy happy. i met so many new neat people too. and the drinking had to be held to two, due to lack of food. uggggh. but i did see and do the following!
1. met cute girls in really fun costumes. i.e. alice from american mcgee's video game alice.
2. watched people get shots of rebel yell through a super soaker, and some squirted it out of their nose or covered everyone in it from not being able to hold it it. it was amusing.
3. tried to get away from the drunk guy dressed in a beard, speedo and bathrobe. a little scary. something about speedos that scare me.
4. chatted with a martial arts mike! (i wanted to ask if mike oppa was living inside controlling this guy like a robot... so similar!) he's really interesting, and he asked for my number. we're supposed to hang out today. it should prove interesting.
5. got invited to a "secret brotherhood" event for next month. also should prove interesting. luckily i'm not required to participate, just spectate. i'll be bringing some mace just in case, but it should be something new.
6. danced with jes in the foyer. bwahahaha!!! it was awesome. i love my koi-chan! we laughed in the car and sang songs on the way home.
all in all a good night despit the rocky start. i wonder how jeff's party went. i wonder how he's doing. i hope well. i miss hanging out with him. dear friend. my next plan of action is to hopefully join the ga tech ballroom dancing club! w00t. i just my car to be up and running again. i miss my friends and brothers. | | |
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